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Self Investment by Nashoba-Hostina Self Investment by Nashoba-Hostina
Everyone struggles.</p>

 

And not everyone knows how to ask for help.

                        

And not everyone knows how to give it.

 

I spend a lot of my life a goddamn emotional wreck.  I hurt a lot.  I ache. I literally have to tell myself not to believe my gut impulses. That I’m not worthless.  That I’m not stupid. That I’m not hated. That my friends aren’t just spending time with me to be nice. That my partner loves me. That I won’t be abandoned.

 

I spent a lot of my life certain that everyone would be better off if I were just… gone.  Not dead, just erased from history. I withdrew from my friends in real life, because I felt I didn’t belong.  That I wasn’t worth enough. I got really good at acting. When the hurt shows… that’s when it’s really bad. When people asked about me, I called it ‘hermiting.’ Now I just explain that “I wasn’t okay.”

 

A few years ago, someone important said they missed me.  And it stuck. And I tried my best to crawl out of the hole I’d been rotting in. I scraped together some self-worth. Just enough to get by.

 

I started to reach out. Started changing up my life.  Moved, tried new things… I quietly had some alcohol problems.  Truth be told, I still love being drunk. I went to a therapist. I found myself alone in a lot of ways. I felt unloved… so I taught myself how to love myself, even just a little.

 

I started to ask for help. Some did exactly as I asked and needed of them. But the problem is… everyone has struggles. Not everyone can give help. Some people couldn’t give enough. Some people tried to help and made it worse. Some smelled the blood in the water and preyed upon me. I’ve been hurt a lot. Truth be told, I’ve lost a lot of my faith in people. I trust people less. But thankfully I do know some good ones.

 

So… I guess I need to get better at taking care of myself… not just in the moment, but for future Nash too.  A fistful self-worth and self-love will only get you so far.  Self-investment is important too.  I am worthy of being here. I am worthy of being loved. And I am worthy of betterment. Doing things to make me a better Nash is important. I need to stop investing in people who don’t consistently invest in me. I need to stop appeasing others at the expense of myself.  I need to spend time in places where I can comfortably be myself, and do Nash things.

 

Like draw dragons.  I’ve loved them, ever since I was a kid.  Some people associate dragons with greed.  They see them as hoarders of material wealth.  Perhaps the dragon’s hoard should be seen as a metaphor for the things we do to better ourselves.  To help us withstand the darkness.

 

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:iconabnom:
AbNom Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2017

I am so sorry to hear this.Free animated wolf icon I don't really know how to help, but feel for you.

Everyone does struggle. I can't say I can truly understand because I've only been in my own, often ill-fitting shoes, but I've lived through a time that I couldn't see a future where I wasn't worthless, stupid, and nothing but a pain to anyone who knew me.  Please take care of yourself - know you can make it through it. I did, and you are very much more worthy of betterment and self-investment.

Drunken numbness is not the answer. Withstand the darkness. Self-improvement and being comfortable with yourself is a way, just as giving of yourself can be. I'm very glad you know some good people.

You have so much to offer and have already produced so much: I've read all of your Eldritch series and you have been an inspiration by sharing your creativity here.

This drawing made me look through your gallery much more closely and ... wow.
Your talent level is AWESOME!Foxtrot - Wow!
I mean, you have some of everything!  Stories that have the verisimilitude of the legends researched! Carvings from stone to snow to pumpkins! Cupcakes to Costumes! Photography! Sculpting! Art of so many styles and mediums, it's like a microcosm of the whole of dA in one gallery!

You draw great dragons. You like doing that? Do more. You have the ability to make something as fierce as a demon dragon of fire-breathing death to a cute as a kitten-dragon flooph playing with a ball of yarn - and everything in between.

I'm not really a hugger, but  Sad Hug Extended 

Sharing your gift of art is a gift itself. You are needed.

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:iconsora-nightwalker:
Sora-Nightwalker Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2017  Student General Artist
Love the work on your dragon and all your other works. And I grew up reading Eldritch every week, so that has a special place in my heart too, always will. <3 So much so that your art and stories and the way you implement so much mythology has inspired me. I've got a few stories right now that I'm working on that are heavily based in mythology. (with a few connecting the dots of course. ;P) I always loved reading the information in each description, and you got me to research for myself. I really couldn't thank you enough for it. You as an artist and as a sweet person inspire me. :) I just want to tell you it does get better. I wish you the best, and I hope that you feel better soon. :) Hug 
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:iconantaria-nova:
Antaria-Nova Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2017
Every investments carries its risks and rewards, though Life gives no refunds.
Each of us alone can only do so much to grow and develop, we need each other for guidance, friendship and support on our path to our future. If something makes you feel better for a moment yet does not do the opposite to someone else, then go for it.

However much doubt of your own worth or purpose you ever get, think that your purpose is to find your purpose, and if you can't do it alone, then your purpose is to find someone to help you find it. :meow:

Have a wonderful summer's end and coming autumn, Nash. Go sit in your favorite spot, wherever that may be, take a deep breath, and feel that despite all the doubts you may have, you belong.

If you want a wonderful distraction, though, www.gemselect.com/. Labradorite and black opal are my favorites.
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:iconbjbluewolf:
BJBluewolf Featured By Owner Edited Aug 15, 2017
In order to help anyone, you must be willing first to help yourself.  Very happy to see your trying to put that first - tho healing takes time. 

I myself do not see Dragons as greedy, rather highly selective.  Also sources of knowledge and wisdom, for those brave enough to face the threat, but yet not threaten.  The biggest dragon most introverts have is the one in self who knows every detail and hesitates not to wield it against oneself. 

Keep trying, one step at a time, there are many who do care about you, for you, regardless of the masks.  Don't forget that!

Anyways, to comment on the art (its been niggling at the back of the mind all day!) you have a "softness" in your style which is not all that common, and this is a very great example of it.  The lines clearly depict the desired forms and edges, but it has a rounded quality which makes it 'approachable' in a way, despite the claws!  Please keep up the great work!
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:icongoldenwolf:
Goldenwolf Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
*hugs* You are SO not alone sweetheart. I am glad that you are putting yourself first and doing some self care. <3
Reply
:iconwolfsjal:
Wolfsjal Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2017
<3

I'm a little biased of course when it comes to dragons, so I'm ALWAYS happy to see more dragon art from the Nash.  This one in particular has some nice, subtle colouring and of course the meaning behind the piece is very poignant.  Self love is indeed something that almost everyone struggles with.  I'm happy to hear that you are making some progress, and in fact I'm very proud of you and impressed, since I know all too well how difficult it can be to do so.  *dragon hugs*
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:iconv8arwing67:
V8Arwing67 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wow, that was beautifully wrote, and the art is equally as amazing!


 I completely understand, and I wish you well as well ^^
Reply
:iconlumpypotato27:
LumpyPotato27 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
Keep on trying to be positive. I agree that you deserve to be loved and respected. Thank you for sharing your impressive effort and skills through artwork. I wish you well.
Reply
:iconblackstardemonwolf:
Blackstardemonwolf Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2017
This is really good :3
I like the pciture and the story.
Your comic has ended, but I am still here, so I will never leave your art :D
Maybe this is an investment too o,o
Reply
:iconaudes:
AudeS Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017
On the other hands, dragons can very well be guardians and heralds. There are so many myths, there ought to be those, who tell of kindred spirits. The Welsh dragon will be able to bring havok, but also shield the Britons from the white dragon of the Anglo-Saxons. The Oriental Dragons can bring rain to water the crops and might bear wisdom beyond that of mere humans. I myself have a great affinity for dragons, so much so that I decided to go back to them as a writer. They are beautiful creatures, no matter what sort of dragon species you talk about. And the picture you drew is certainly quite well in showcasing this. The scale texture you made here remembers actually a little of a hoard, of treasures lying together. I suppose it is because of the rounder scales, which remember me of gems, while the rest has a lovely copper tone to it. The face of them is also a really nice one, as it showcases a gentleness which you most certainly have. Generally I find the body and form work quite well in their anthropomorphic shape while still appearing overall as a true dragon.

Now, of course I realize the issues you talk about here, and you and many of other people I feel have those feelings. The ironic thing about it is, most of the time it is people who have a good heart that can touch others with it. You have a great value to many people. You have made a fantastic tale by using research of so many mythologies, and inspired many a people. Including myself. I spend a lot of time with research once I got interested in your comic, and this in turn has inspired my own stuff greatly and made me enjoy writting a lot. Furthermore you always explain what you do, you always remain kind and calm, and you do have most certainly a heart of gold. Maybe that is the legendary dragon hoard in the end, a heart of gold, while many people bear one of stone.
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:iconanuojat:
AnuOjat Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Theres so muhc i could say about waht you wrote, but ill say that i hear you and understand.
Reply
:iconwhitedragonpictures:
WhiteDragonPictures Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017  Student General Artist
Wow. Really cool. :)  to be honest I know a bit about what that's like, and I struggle through it myself... the picture is really awesome, and I kind of feel the same way about dragons. To me, they represent freedom, and the strength to keep that freedom and gather what is precious... and everyone has a different definition of what is precious... so... really cool post, awesome picture, awesome thoughts. :3 and I wish you the best.
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:iconrocker234:
Rocker234 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017
I'm reminded of a quote someone shared with me on Facebook a few weeks ago...and I find it rings true with people, including me. "The hardest person to love is yourself." You've done a great job with this dragon and I (and your many other fans) await more art from you. Even if it's delayed due to issues or problems, that's perfectly fine.
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